All the lonely people, where do they all come from? All the lonely people, where do they all belong? – Paul McCartney, John Lennon, Lennon-McCartney (1966)
When you first separate, you have to become a professional at adjusting. Your new normal might look very different to the old life you used to inhabit, as almost everything can change.
I work with a lot of parents whilst they separate, and most of these (mainly men and occasionally women) move out of the family home. Sometimes the client is happy with the situation, but more often than not, they are lonely. There’s heartbreak and regret.
So how do you prevent yourself from becoming a line in a Beatles song? How do you stop yourself being seen as a cliché?
Two Homes.
Divorce can bring money issues. If you are supporting two homes, there might not be the extra cash to socialise. Your post-separation accommodation could be affordable housing away from everyone you know, or it might be your old childhood bedroom. To add to your misery, there may be no friends left once you have played the divide-your-friends-after-divorce game.
Working from home can add to feelings of isolation. There are no colleagues to have a drink with after work. You may have gone from a busy, bustling household to working alone in your new flat and not seeing anyone for days.
Try not to be miserable.
How do you prevent yourself from becoming so miserable that when you finally see your children or friends, your unhappiness doesn’t envelope you and all around you? If you are depressed and unhappy, you may find that people (including your children) will start to find a reason to avoid your company.
So, how do you deal with this loneliness and turn it into solitude? Can you find the zen in your new situation?
Do the work.
You have to work at it. Get help if you need it. Put the emotional and practical effort into making the best of your situation. Sort out the everyday stuff so you have someplace safe and welcoming in which to live and your kids to visit. Once you are fed and housed, start doing the emotional work. Your relationship may be over or just on pause; either way, you want to learn from your actions and process your feelings, so you don’t find yourself in another bedsit at the breakup of your next relationship.
