In 1990, Kylie Minogue (the original Kylie) sang about taking back her ex in her hit song ‘Better the Devil You Know’. I adored Kylie and was an avid Neighbours fan. I had attentively watched her character’s love story on television.
At seventeen, this song made it acceptable to forgive and wait patiently for your ex to return. For a few years, I subscribed to the song wholeheartedly and allowed my college boyfriend to treat me less than kindly. It was the early nineties, and young women were still the product of their mothers and grandmothers, and young men were allowed to revel in lad culture.
Early Kylie fans are now reaching middle age, and their marriages (if they survived the early years) are reaching the empty nest stage. Many couples struggle through the tough years of raising children and find they cannot navigate this new, lonely next stage of family life.
Should you stay in an empty nest?
The empty nest years can be long. Grown-up children will need less care, and it may be many years before grandchildren are born. This stage of a marriage may have very few distractions, and marital problems may be exposed and hard to avoid. It is hard to pretend you like someone if only two of you sit at the table. You may resent your spouse putting all their energy into the children and not noticing you for years.
If you are in an unhappy marriage, you may find yourself staring down another thirty years together. Should you stay or go? Maybe it is time to sell the family home and find a little pied-à-terre for one.
Did you promise to stay as long as the children needed you? Is it really better the devil you know?
Should you work on a marriage?
Sometimes, a marriage needs work and a little help. Before taking drastic measures, it may be worth taking a little time to reflect on what you have and what you can potentially lose.
Marriages can become stale over the years and may need a reminder of why they were once fresh and good. Underneath all the layers of children, caring for older parents, and jobs, a good marriage may be found. At their essence, your partner is still the person you first met, and so are you.
At this point, doing the hard emotional work on yourself and your marriage may set you up for happier years together. Recommitting to yourselves as a couple, reaffirming your love and commitment, may be just what you need.
Separation.
Separation may bring many years of a fractured family. There will be no future happy times for the two of you together, enjoying your grandchildren. New wives and new husbands may join the family. The wedding top table grows, and your children must choose with whom to spend Christmas. You might not get everything you want or think you deserve. Compromise will be the order of the day.
On the other hand, separation can bring freedom, stillness, peace, and a return to self. Separation can bring relief, and it may be what you need to survive into old age.
Thriving in middle age.
Whether you decide to thrive in a happy marriage or thrive separated in your new life, thriving is good and something to aim for. Surviving isn’t enough. Get help if you need it. Talk to someone, a friend, a coach, a therapist, a pastor, etc. You don’t need to suffer in silence in your empty nest, and you can choose to create change. It doesn’t have to be better the devil you know!
